TWENTY-EIGHT
The Mimosa Love
I haven’t been the best of me lately. The sunshine has ran away, along with the wind. Now, I could only hope for the wind to bring the warmth back to me.
Have I grown to be unreasonable these weeks? I had, unknowingly. I wasn’t the usual understanding me anymore. Like a pampered and spoilt child, I wail whenever things aren’t in my way. I sat down and pondered. Pondered for the reason over this. I seem to get nowhere till frustration boils me down. I cannot comprehend the fight within myself. “With what?” “Over what?” I wish at times you could sense that - that I needed some comfort, to feel at peace and happy. All I needed to get me back on track are simple words of care and concern. You delivered them, packaged in nice pink boxes with a big red ribbon attached. Not long after, I felt that I get shoved towards the edge again. It gradually becomes a cycle.
You were never the cause of anything I struggled with. I merely needed a dumping ground for my temporary woes, which have seemed to grow roots in my mind now. I tried umpteen times to load myself with happy thoughts in hope to stray away from those unhealthy thoughts, even to the length of reading your five liners note for the thousandth time.
I would helplessly think at times, why you chose to go out with a complicated person, someone who may never get out of her trap. I tried to thrust that side of me away whenever I am with you, just so I could keep you by my side. Selfishness is in everyone’s blood. I feel like I could talk to you about everything – but I don’t think you would understand. So, I prefer to hide and keep them with me. I call them – secrets. I bring them out occasionally to stir up some emotions. I need a shelter, need to know that miserable times are cared for meticulously too - a safe refuge to restore my inner silence. That, to me, is becoming a challenge. You are always ready to embrace my tears and my smiles with wide-open arms. But it takes me less that always ready to jump right into the protected realm. At the end of the day, I snuggled in beside you after you drift off. For me, you will always keep the space beside you warm. Ready for me, anytime.
I don’t like wasting my time thinking about what is happening on the other side of the world. Rather, I thought of how life will be without your presence. It pains to have that cross my mind, let alone to face it. Yet, I am constantly doing things to drive you away. People, we are always taking things granted, ain’t we? A year ago, I have myself to brave any storm that is determined to take me away with it. Now that I have you with me, I wish for the wind to take us far faraway. You see the difference? It’s you.
It gets annoying whenever we get stuck in a tight situation. We fought over your insensitivity and my obstinacy. What was right, we never spoke. Quietly, we sat and watched the sand slip thought our fingers. Someone has to break the silence, has to step forward and take the blame. “What blame?” “Who was in the wrong?” “What triggered all these?” Those were not the issue anymore. In truth, we started blaming ourselves, for being insensitive and for being obstinate. We have our share of wrongdoings. As though like alcohol, we let the situation shade us from our sober side. Deep down, we love each other more than anything. Slowly and most of the times, unknowingly, we let the awkwardness slip past us. Never did we ask what triggered the unease nor question who was wrong or almost right. They diminished without leaving a trial, overrode by the sweet memories shared.
I will shove my vulnerability aside and be your support - always. I will never leave unless you decide to.
What about you? In times of trouble, will you stick with me?
Till then.
